Love and Loss

No one walks down the aisle with the intention of getting divorced, well ok MAYBE some celebs have.  But most normal people don’t plan it that way.  So why do so many marriages end that way?  I fully believe that a huge part of it is that because most people simply aren’t willing to do the WORK.
After 10 years together (over 8 being married) I really thought we’d gone through our darkest days…but the last couple months have proven otherwise. And this last week, my husband officially decided he was done.  A very large part of me is angry, pissed even. But maybe its really more about a bruised ego.  I feel like I stood by him through some pretty awful stuff and now HE is the one who’s deciding it’s not working for him.  Part of me wants to show him just how wrong he is. But there’s also a part that realizes, he’s right.  We’ve spent 10 years trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  And honestly, if I want to be pissed at anyone, it should be myself.  Now, I know some people who know us will be questioning this statement, but its true!
You see, I married a man who wasn’t really what I wanted for the rest of my life.  I fell for a glimmer of what I saw as a great guy, someone with potential.  But honestly, I dove in with thoughts of what I thought I could make him become.  I have some co-dependancy issues for sure, and I’ve done some work on them but I’m still far from perfect.  But I felt that if I simply loved him enough, he would want to be the type of man I needed.  This wasn’t fair of me.  And it wasn’t realistic. That simply isn’t how people work.  And after years of trying and being frustrated, I have become bitter and much less of the person I was when we got together.  So he hasn’t changed but I have and it’s not a healthy equation. 
Might some serious dedication, prayer etc be able to heal our marriage, I’m sure that it could help.  But he has made his choice and it seems foolish for me to continue to fight to change him.  So instead, I steady myself and prepare to take a journey I have been to overcome with fear to even consider for myself.  I have no choice but to do this, I have three wonderful boys who didn’t get a choice in this.  

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